I lost my life

June 12, my husband died. Hed been sick for a long time. steadily going downhill. He rallied a bit aft4er last years atrial valve replacement, but since March, had gotten steadily worse. We went to Mayo for a checkup, all kinds of tests. Piedmont, checkup. They caught nothing. Turns out, his atrial valve was calcifying, adn his mitral was faiing as well. For the past 5 weeks of his life, I"d taken him to our local ER 5 times. He was deeply anemic. Gave blood twice, sent to savannah once from there. They did tests at St Joe, sent him home. 5 days later, he's back in the local ER. That was the second transfusion. He got a nexts day appt w his cardiologist in Savannah, I drove him there aft3er I'd taken Drake to his appt in H'ville and came home to get Husband. Dr agreed that he needed the ER and admittance. We went right over, across the street. He sat in the ER for 12 hours waiting on a room, short of breath, left arm hurting. We thought he'd hurt his arm a few weeks before on a day trip w friends. He used a wheelchair. as he couldnt walk far. No, it was his heart. He never had a heart attack, it was just failing. The next day they dialysed him, did an esophogeal echo on his heart, got not so great pics, so did a heart cath. That's when they found that both valves were failing and needed fixed asap. So from Fri to mon he was in hospital. He hurt in his arm all that time, pain meds helped a bit. THe delauded made him sick, had to have zofran. He got a bath Sat night. Sund night, I helped him wipe down in his bed, He couldn't make it to the bathroom. We laid together a bit. I begged him not to die, but he said it wasn't his plan, but it might be Gods.If so, it would be okay. Told him how proud I was to be his wife, he said how much he loved me. Monday morning, he was sitting on the side of the bed, arm dangling. Said it hurt. I rubbed his back, his mom rubbed his arm. It seemed to give him comfort. He didn't say much. Looked so weary. Th3ey came and got him at 6:30. We followed the transport down to the OR doors. I kissed him again, told him, as I did every surgery/anesth event, "You have to wake up"., he nodded, they headed inside. One last I love you and the doors closed. We went to get breakfast in the cafeteria. Went to the waiting room, our own personal room. 8:30 they called and said they were stawrting, theyd call again at lunch when they shou;d be finishing up. Lunch came and went. We went and ate, came back. Dr had said 4 hours if no trouble, 6 if harder. No news, no news, no news. My friend, who had driven up from Tallahasse w her son, Drakes best friend, too the boys to my house, to wait for news. By 3, I was walkign the ahlls, asking every nurse, are you with CCU? I even buzzed the CCU to ask if they had him, hoping someone just hadn't called yet. No, he was still in surgery. At 4pm, a doctor came in, not on his team. It went a lot rougher than they'd planned. His heart was stuckto the sack, the calcified atrial valve came out okay, but the mitral was giving a fit. They were hoping, to get him hooked up to the ecmo machine and let his body rest overnight. Praying he didn't bleed out from all the needle holes. His mother and I, the only ones there, knew it was bad. Likely no survival. 15 min later, a nurse came in. It wasn't working. They couldn't get his heart started again. They would send in a grievance team. His doctor came in about 4:45 and said he got tony prepped, and before he could make the first cut, his heawrt stopped. Just the anesthesia was enough. He was going to give up then, he knew it wouldn't end well, but both the cardiac and the kidney dr begged him to go on. He worked on him all day. But I think he slipped away right after getting put to sleep. Easy, painless. Quick. Not the lingering, gasping, pain filled death he'd have gotten if he hadn'gt tried the surgery. They had been having a hard time dialysing him bc his BP was low, bc his hear wasn't pumping hard enough. So, my MIL and I saw him after. He was peaceful, still a bit warm. We prayed the Our Father with the sisters, it's a Catholic hospital, and I silenty said the doxology (Praise God from whom all blessing flow). Gave them the funeral home name, and we left. Spent the night in the motel, I"d paid through Mon night, not sure if Id need another. Turns out, I didn't. We came home early the next morning, mom in her car, me in mine. I came home and told our 14 year old autistic son that his daddt was gone. He hasn't cried, that I've seen. He says he misses his daddy, and wishes he were here. He drew a picture of him. Asked me if I was going to hurt myself, I am not. Keeps reminding me that I have him and the two kitties. He seems to be okay with knowing that daddy is in Heaven with Jesus, no longer hurting. We will see him one day. I'm getting things done. No worries about the mortgage, as long as I pay it. Had a good scare about it, but it's okay. One car messed uo, might be an easy fix for now. Not sure long term. I"m selling a few things for $$, we had no insurance. Good luch with life insurance when you are a kidney/dialysis patient. We couldn't afford whet was offered, there were always too many medical bills to keep uo with. I don't understand how they missed this. He was going down for so long, short of breath, couldn't walk long distances, arm hurting, but ekgs and xrays were clear. In eternity, it doesn't matter, but I am stuck in the physical realm and this is killing me. It hurts to breathe. My MIL calls everyday, as does my friend. My sister did not call today. I figured this was going to happen. Weve never been close. FIL is helping us w the car, cutting grass. He paid for the cremation. I understand how Roosevelt did when he wrote, "The light has gone out of my life"