Not ready for this....

We are at a crossroads in regards to Dh's kidney pain.
There is nothing else his doctors can do for him, aside from going on heavy pain medication from
a pain clinic. He and I do not want that. He couldn't work, would barely function, ect. Not a choice.

So, he has decided, after much prayer, and us talking with each other, and family, and our pastor, to have a double nephrectomy. In other words, he's going to have BOTH kidneys taken out, and go directly on dialysis. He called his doctor Monday morning to tell her to start the paperwork, and went to his job to update them as well.

In all honesty, we knew this was coming. He is in stage 5 after all. His GFR is stable at 14%, and many people go down to 5% before they need dialysis. However, the pain is the issue here. Not everyone has pain, or so severe.

His doctor wanted so badly to keep him off dialysis as long as possible, and he tried to bear it. As it is, his phosphorus? levels are at 4.10, and if they go up to 5, it's dialysis anyway. So it would likely happen this year anyway. Still, this is a terrifying decision, to give up two organs that you need to live, even if there is a way to help you.

This is not touching on the financial aspects of this, how we will manage while he's out of work 6 weeks (short term disability is only 60% of his check), if he will even be able to go back to work after, and what we will do then (long term through his work is also 60%).  In 2 years we need to refinance our house, and I worry about having the money and good credit for that. Overload!

I am having anxiety attacks at work, but managing to work through them. Dh is feeling drugged, dazed, not himself. I am scared out of my mind, b/c I read somewhere that life expectancy on dialysis is around 10 years. There is no guarantee that he will ever get one. He could die without ever receiving a kidney, even after many years.

I need prayer, y'all. I KNOW that God has this, and I need to trust and rest in Him. I know He works all things to our good. But I am having a hard time overcoming the fear. I like things planned out, to know the way things are going. Of course, I also know that life isn't like that. Makes for interesting times for me, y'all. :)

I admit, I want things smooth and uncomplicated, no problems, no issues, and if they do come up, I want God to 'fix' it or offer the way out. I'm lazy that way, sigh. Join the crowd, maybe? He has overcome the world, and I know that we will have trouble. I know life isn't about houses, or money, or any 'stuff'. I need to let go and trust on a real level, not just words.

I envy the early missionaries who left their homes for foreign countries, perhaps for life, not knowing the language, customs, or even if they'd survive. I want that kind of faith.

Pray for me, please.